Validation vs. Aliveness
Over the past few weeks, I've been exploring a series of ideas: Preserve Awe. Curiosity Over Comfort. Healthy Friction Creates Growth. Don't Outsource Your Soul. Play Is Not Optional.
Something interesting happened along the way.
The more time I spent thinking about these ideas, writing about them, debating them, and living them, the more alive they became inside me. Awe became easier to notice. Curiosity took on deeper meaning. Friction started looking less like an obstacle and more like a doorway. Even play—which I've always valued—began revealing new layers.
The work produced fruit.
And that got me thinking about a phrase I wrote down a couple of weeks ago: Validation vs. Aliveness.
At first, I wasn't entirely sure what I meant by it. External validation isn't all bad. Encouragement helps. Positive feedback helps. Being seen helps. Anyone who says otherwise is probably kidding themselves. Human beings are social creatures, and when someone appreciates our work, our effort, or our gifts, it adds energy to the system.
But as I sat with the idea, I realized validation and aliveness are not the same thing.
In fact, they sometimes pull us in completely different directions.
Validation asks, "Will they approve?" Aliveness asks, "Does this make me feel more alive?" Validation asks whether you'll be accepted. Aliveness asks whether you're engaged. Validation wants safety, certainty, and permission. Aliveness wants curiosity, growth, challenge, truth, and experience.
The trap is that many of us are seeking validation as medicine for old wounds. We want approval to prove we're enough. We want praise to convince us we're lovable. We want acceptance to heal something that happened years or even decades ago.
I've certainly done my share of that.
What I've slowly discovered is that no amount of outside validation can permanently solve an inside problem. The deeper work is learning to love yourself, question the old stories, and stop outsourcing your worth to other people. That's not a weekend project. It might be lifelong work. But every step in that direction frees up energy that was previously tied up in managing other people's opinions.
And that energy can be invested somewhere much more interesting.
You can invest it in curiosity. In passion. In learning. In building. In creating. In relationships. In service. In adventure. In becoming more fully yourself.
What I've noticed in my own life is that when I focus on what brings me alive, life gets richer. Not necessarily easier. Not necessarily more comfortable. But richer. More meaningful. More engaging. More surprising.
Ironically, that's often when validation shows up.
Your tribe finds you.
The people who resonate begin appearing.
The conversations get deeper.
The opportunities become more aligned.
Not because you chased validation, but because you stopped chasing it.
So these days, I'm trying to use a different compass. Instead of asking, "Will people approve of this?" I'm trying to ask, "Does this make me feel more alive?"
The answer isn't always obvious. Sometimes it's uncomfortable. Sometimes it creates friction. Sometimes it requires walking away from things that once felt safe.
But more and more, I've come to believe that aliveness is a better guide than approval.
Validation is wonderful when it comes.
Aliveness is essential whether it does or not.
