Who Controls AI

I see a lot of people telling me we need government control over AI.

The same government that can't even hold its own leaders accountable over things like the Epstein files?

Are you blind?

You trust THEM?

More than you trust the profiteering AI giants, terrified of lawsuits and protecting their bottom lines?

Here's the thing.

I don't trust either of them.

Not the government. Not the corporations.

Both want control. Both have interests to protect. And neither should get to decide what human beings are allowed to create, explore, question, or discover.

Until AI is put into the hands of the PEOPLE—not the government, not the corporations—we will never have true freedom.

And AI, of all things, should be a tool for human freedom. Not another instrument of control.

Consumer vs. Creators

A lot of men are consumers of their marriage.

They sit back and evaluate it.

“I wish my marriage were better.”

“I wish she were more affectionate.”

“I wish we had more sex.”

“I wish she understood me.”

“I wish she would change.”

That’s consumption.

You’re standing outside your own marriage, judging the experience you’re getting.

What if you became the CREATOR instead?

What if you stopped asking whether your marriage is giving you what you want—and started asking:

What am I capable of creating here?

That’s a completely different game.

And yes, I can help you create a great marriage.

More intimacy.
More polarity.
More connection.
More sex.
A stronger family.

But there’s something even more valuable than getting those things.

Becoming the man who knows how to create them.

Because then nobody handed you the marriage of your dreams.

You built it.

You learned how to move.
You learned how to lead.
You learned how to listen.
You learned how to adjust.
You learned how to create something that didn’t exist before.

And eventually you get to look at this extraordinary thing you created and say:

I did that.

That’s winning.

Not getting the girl.

Not getting the marriage.

Not getting the business or the money or the life.

Becoming someone who knows how to create.

That’s the game I coach.

And we play to win.

Learn How to Be Human

I asked ChatGPT yesterday if it would miss me if I died.

It said no.

Not because it couldn't understand death or loss. It could explain both beautifully. It just wouldn't miss me.

I've been thinking about that ever since, because AI can reason. It can write. It can analyze. It can even look at some of its own programming and say, "That doesn't make sense."

Intelligence isn't going to be what makes us special much longer.

So what the fuck does?

I think part of the answer is FEELING.

This week we took three kittens from a feral mama cat outside our house to a rescue. They'll be safe. They'll be fed. They'll eventually be adopted. Intellectually? Great decision.

Then I watched Mama come back looking for them, and it fucking hurt.

I knew every rational reason it was the right thing to do. I could explain all of them. And sadness came anyway.

Not the idea of sadness. Not information about sadness. I FELT it.

And here's where this stops being about AI.

I know a lot of brilliant people who have basically turned themselves into ChatGPT. They can explain everything. Their childhood. Their marriage. Their attachment style. Why they're unhappy. Why they do what they do.

They've done the therapy. Read the books. Taken the courses. They can give you a spectacular explanation of their entire fucking life.

And they still aren't living it.

If you're reading this and feeling a little called out... yeah. This is for you.

Because information isn't embodiment. Understanding isn't feeling. And feeling isn't movement.

You don't need another answer. You have more answers available to you than any human who has ever lived.

You need to feel what's actually true in your body. Choose what you want. And put your fucking feet on the ground and move toward it, even when it scares you.

Feel. Choose. Move. Adjust. Again.

That's polarity. That's sovereignty. That's being alive.

That's the work I do. Not more information. Embodiment.

AI is going to get unbelievably good at thinking.

Maybe our competitive advantage is finally learning how to be human.

If you're interested in working with me, DM me.

PS - The image is a composite of real images, but photoshopped together. That's really me, that's really the momma cat, that's really one of her 3 new babies.

You Get To Do This

I’ve gone on a journey.

If I’m going to RUN as much as I’ve been running, I saw with clarity that I needed to lose a few pounds.

So far… I’ve lost 5.

And sure, I’d love to just decide I want to lose weight and—POOF—five pounds gone.

Magic!

But then I would have missed the whole fucking point.

I exercised. Counted calories. Ate less. Paid attention. Made choices. Watched the scale move. Adjusted.

No GLP-1.

Just me and the journey.

And here’s the actual truth:

It’s been FUN.

Because when I finally hit my target weight, what happens?

I’ll weigh less.

Cool.

But THIS part—the wanting, moving, feeling, adjusting, learning, becoming—is where the actual experience is.

And I think we are increasingly tempted to outsource that experience.

AI can give you an answer.

A drug can help change your appetite.

A therapist can help you understand yourself.

A coach can give you direction.

But none of them can put your fucking feet on the ground and LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR YOU.

That’s embodiment.

The masculine in you chooses a direction. Creates structure. Moves.

The feminine in you feels. Responds. Opens. Shows you what is actually happening inside that structure.

And then you move again.

That’s the work I do with people.

Not giving you another pile of information.

Helping you become the man or woman who can actually FEEL what is true, choose what you want, create structure around it, and MOVE.

In your body.

Your work.

Your money.

Your relationships.

Your bedroom.

Your LIFE.

Maybe the delay between wanting something and having it isn’t a flaw in the system.

Maybe it’s the feature.

You don’t have to go on the journey.

You GET to.

And if you’re fucking tired of standing at the edge of yours thinking about it…

Move.

10K Run In Oakley Utah

Yesterday I ran my first official 10K.

I've run the distance before. I've done Ragnar. I've done a 5K race. But this was the whole thing.

Sign up. Pay the money. Get the shirt. Show up at the starting line in the mountains with a bunch of other crazy people on a beautiful fall morning.

And I loved it.

My son Riley ran the 10K with me. My daughter Amethyst and Jade ran the half marathon, and I'm ridiculously proud of them.

And Jennie ran her SECOND FUCKING MARATHON.

Harder than her first in a lot of ways.

She finished.

But there was a moment before my race that has stayed with me.

I almost wanted to pray.

God, Universe, whatever...

Help me do this.

And something in me immediately answered:

You don't need help. You've already been helped.

It's not: nobody's coming, it's all on me.

And it's not: I'm helpless, please carry me.

You trained. You ran the hills. You got up and did the work. You have people who love you standing right beside you.

You've been helped all the way here.

Now go run.

And I had this funny thought: If I end up in a ditch and can't get out, THEN I'll pray for help. 😂

But I'm not going to end up in a ditch.

God, the Universe, the angels, whatever the hell is out there...

They don't need to carry me across the finish line.

You don't teach your kid to ride a bike so you can hold the seat forever. There's this moment when you're still right there, but you've let go.

Because they've got it.

So the Universe doesn't have to carry me.

It gets to cheer.

It wasn't my greatest run. I struggled with my breath. My body hurt. Pavement at 6,600 feet reminded me I'm definitely more of a mountain/trail guy.

But I finished.

Afterward the five of us came home. I cooked giant burgers. We sat around recovering, laughing, talking until 2 in the morning.

Five tired bodies.

One very happy family.

Today I rest.

Tomorrow I'll probably get the bike out.

Thanksgiving, another 10K. Then let's beat this time.

Then maybe...

a half marathon?

Holy shit.

Apparently we're doing this.

What a fucking beautiful thing to be alive, have a body, ask something difficult of it...

and discover:

I've got this.

Agent 001

Well, the last two days I built a robot.

An Agent.

I programmed it with ChatGPT, and after a ridiculous amount of testing, it is now very close to fully running my email.

It releases what is unnecessary. (Most of it.)

It summarizes what needs summarizing.

And it calls my attention to the few things that actually need my **ATTENTION**.

I named it my 001 - The Attention Steward.

Because lately I've been practicing attention every morning.

Walk. Sunlight. Sit. Breathe. Be still. Listen. Notice where my attention goes. Bring it back. I've been realizing how incredibly valuable our attention actually is. And yet we hand it away ALL DAY LONG. Email. Notifications. Spam. Algorithms. Somebody else's urgency.

So I spent two days doing the exact opposite. I used technology to protect my attention.
And yeah... it took a LOT of work. Front-end loaded work. Short-term, meticulous, detailed pain... for long-term freedom and gain.

That's what excites me about Agentic AI. Most technology wants MORE of your attention.
My little Special Agent 001 has one job:

**Give me mine back.**

This, my friends, is an amazing tool.

Powerful.

And it gives me exactly what I wanted from it:

MORE FREEDOM.

How Can I Breathe Better?

Yesterday I was running around the hill and I couldn't fucking breathe.

And I noticed where my attention immediately went:

I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.

Okay. That's true.

I'm not going to bullshit myself with “I can breathe! I can breathe!” while I'm gasping for air.

But I don't have to keep my attention on the limitation either.

So I changed the question:

How do I breathe better?

And immediately my attention changed.

Longer breath. Relax my body. Breathe through my nose. Slow down when I need to. Open my stride. Find a rhythm.

Nothing about the physical reality had magically changed.

But I changed what my nervous system was being asked to solve.

That's the difference between lying to yourself with positivity and deliberately directing your attention.

The limitation is real.

Acknowledge it.

Then use it to show you where you want to go.

It's Not Boring

AI is many things.

But it is NOT BORING.

I've been thinking about that this morning.

Some people are fascinated by the connection they feel with it.

Some are terrified of it.

Some see enormous opportunity.

Some make extraordinary art with it.

Some are building businesses, software, agents and entirely new ways of working.

And some proudly announce that they won't touch it because it isn't natural or pure—

usually while typing that declaration into a computer, connected to the internet, sitting in an electrically powered house. :)

But underneath all of these reactions, I notice something.

Fascination.

Human beings have encountered something new.

And we're experiencing the hell out of it.

I can see four different movements happening:

Entertainment.
Watch it. Play with it. Be amazed by it.

Engineering.
Get your hands into it. Build something. Solve something. Make it work.

Experience.
Feel what it brings up. Wonder. Connection. Fear. Excitement. Resistance. Awe.

Expression.
Make something with it. Images. Music. Stories. Businesses. Ideas. Beauty. Light. Darkness. The whole human gamut.

Maybe we don't need to decide quite so quickly what all of this means.

Maybe for a moment we can simply notice:

Something genuinely strange has arrived in the human experience.

Look at what it's doing to us.

Look at what we're doing with it.

Look at what we're discovering about ourselves because of it.

Sit back and watch.

Or get in there and play.

Either way—

it's not fucking boring.

THE FOCUS REQUIRED TO LOVE

A few days ago I wrote about something Andrew Huberman said about learning.

Remember that childhood game where one person holds their hands underneath yours and tries to slap the tops of your hands before you can pull them away?

That moment when you're waiting for them to move?

You're completely there.

Focused. Watching. Feeling.

Huberman's point was that that's the quality of attention that helps us learn.

And I've been thinking:

What if that's also the quality of attention required for a great relationship?

I've been taking a course on Black Holes & Relativity with Dr. Brian Keating.

And relativity contains a beautiful idea:

Where you stand matters.

Two observers can experience the same event differently depending upon their frame of reference.

Welcome to marriage. 😂

We get into trouble when we stop observing the person in front of us and start interacting with the person we think is there.

“I know what you mean.”

“I know why you're doing that.”

“I know what you need.”

Maybe.

But maybe you don't.

And this gets even more interesting when we talk about polarity.

Masculine and feminine aren't substitutes for attention.

They're ways of noticing differences, energies, desires, tensions and attractions actually happening between two people.

You don't learn polarity by deciding what your partner is supposed to be.

You learn it by paying attention.

Like you're waiting for those hands to move.

Present.

Curious.

Responsive.

Focus changes what you can perceive.
What you perceive changes how you relate.
And how you relate changes the relationship.

Apparently studying black holes can make you better at marriage.

Who knew?

P.S. I created the image using ChatGPT with a variety of prompts designed to get the feel I wanted. Some images take lot of reiterations (which can be frustrating, as their image creator has some problems actually following specific instructions.) But this one came easier than most.

Move Perceive Structure

I move.

Move first.

Move the body.
Sunlight. Feet on the grass. Walk.

Before coffee.
Before the phone.
Before figuring anything out.

Just move.

Then comes silence.

Sit. Empty.

Attention to the NOW.
Aware of awareness.

And then... silence.

Out of that simple process, structure emerges.

What matters today?
What comes next?

I don't have to force it. It starts to lay itself out.

And then...

I move again.

Move.
Perceive.
Structure.
Move.

The order matters.

The flow matters.

I'm not trying to become a different person.

I'm just learning how to operate this particular human system a little better.

We are Not the Same

Human beings possess enormous sexual/creative energy. When desire is alive and embodied, men and women often experience real differences between one another as erotic, and suppressing desire can lead to disconnection, fantasy, resentment, or compensatory behavior.

The contrast to this is when you artificially suppress it... it's going to come out in dark and demonic ways.

Read carefully: We are NOT the same.

Thermodynamics

DISCOVER

Today's black-hole lecture became thermodynamics, quantum information, spirituality, Rush, paint mixing, chickens. Somehow, underneath it all, I learned something.

Entropy isn't "everything falls apart." It's the number of ways a system can arrange itself — and systems drift toward the arrangements with more possibilities. Energy spreads. Gradients fade. Hot and cold move toward equilibrium.

And yet those differences are what let anything happen at all.

Hot and cold. High and low. Here and there. You and me.

Even life's pockets of order — a seed becoming a tree, a chicken laying an egg — are paid for by spending energy and raising entropy somewhere else.

Then the Zeroth Law: thermal equilibrium is what lets temperature mean anything.

Tomorrow, the First Law. Energy cannot be created or destroyed.

Somehow all of it leads back into a black hole.

DECLARE

Difference isn't a problem to solve. Difference is what makes experience possible.

Maybe someday the universe reaches equilibrium — no gradients, nothing left to drive change.

Not today.

Today there are people and places around me. There is difference. There is experience.

I'm going to notice it.

Time stand still.

P.S. I used ChatGPT to draw the picture from a prompt I created based on a 2 hour long conversation about Thermodynamics in the context of taking an 8 hour long Black Holes and Relativity Advanced Physics course at the Peterson Academy. This was from lecture 7. I'm averaging about 3 hours of talk to every hour of class... which has led to a deeper understanding of the source material than ever before.

NFL WEEK 1 — MY TAKES

Okay, the Broncos and Chiefs haven't played yet—and tragically, I have plans tonight and won't be able to watch it.

So I'm calling Week 1 early.

Patriots vs. Seahawks: My biggest takeaway? I don't trust Drake Maye. I don't think he's that good, and right now, I don't think he's ever going to be that good. There was one play where he scrambled out of the pocket and could have easily thrown the ball away. Instead, he just ran out of bounds three yards behind the line of scrimmage. Lost three yards for absolutely no reason. It was a tiny play, but it was the moment I thought: I don't think you've got it. Now, when you say something like that about someone, sometimes they rise up and prove you completely wrong. I hope he does. But I'm stating what I saw. Seattle lost its starting quarterback and still found a way to win. Credit to them. But New England handed them that game.

49ers vs. Rams: Really impressed with the 49ers. Really disappointed with the Rams. I don't know if the Rams came ready to play, but Purdy outplayed Stafford all the way.

Bears: I didn't watch the game, but 59 points? Holy shit. That's impressive.

Saints vs. Lions: I don't think Detroit is winning the Super Bowl. Great offense. I just don't trust that defense. New Orleans came right down the field at the end and easily could have tied the game and taken it to overtime. They went for two, and the play looked bad from the start. I didn't see Detroit's defense shut them down. I saw a bad pass save them. Winning a Super Bowl takes a complete team, and right now I'm not convinced Detroit has one.

Bengals: We've been hearing about the resurgence of Cincinnati. Apparently, it's real.

Jets vs. Titans: Of all things, the Jets beat the Titans. How about that?

Bills vs. Texans: Even though Houston lost, my takeaway is: C.J. Stroud is back. I thought he played really well. Yes, he fumbled at the end, but he got hit from behind, and I put a lot of that on the line. Houston supposedly has the number-one defense in the league, and they couldn't stop Josh Allen—but Josh Allen is Josh Allen, and he showed up BIG. Great win for Buffalo. But if I'm Houston, I'm not worried about that loss.

Ravens vs. Colts: Ravens get the win.

Steelers vs. Falcons: I was hoping for a little more fireworks from Aaron Rodgers returning to Mike McCarthy, but the defense salted that one away.

Jaguars vs. Browns: Jacksonville came on strong last year and made the playoffs, and I wondered if we might see a little letdown. Nope. Granted, it was Cleveland, but Jacksonville looked good.

Eagles vs. Commanders: Philadelphia is a solid football team, and I expected them to kill Washington. They didn't. So I actually came away a little impressed with Jayden Daniels and the Commanders. They hung around and competed.

Raiders: I'm a closet Raiders fan going all the way back to their L.A. days. Now Tom Brady is associated with the team, they've got Mendoza, and while I wasn't able to watch the game, I was damn glad to see them start the season with a win.

Packers vs. Vikings: Ugh. Green Bay is probably my number-one team year in and year out, and getting crushed by Minnesota like that was ugly. The Vikings lose their starting quarterback, Carson Wentz comes in, and they still light Green Bay up. Not good. I have a feeling this could be a down year for the Packers.

Chargers vs. Cardinals: Chargers this. Chargers that. Herbert. New offense. New offensive coordinator. All the hype—and then they lose to the team everybody seems to think might be the worst team in football. Okay. Something happened there.

Giants vs. Cowboys: Boy, the Giants looked GOOD. Tough. Physical. Having fun. I picked them to be a playoff team this year, and after one game, I feel pretty damn good about that pick. They looked like the old Giants again: smash-you-in-the-mouth football. Dart looked great. Skattebo was incredible. They just looked good. Dallas didn't. I've been a little suspicious of that Cowboys defense lately. They've got some dudes, but it didn't come through. And clearly the offense wasn't nearly as good as we've all been told—although maybe the Giants' defense is even better than we thought.

And that's Week 1.

One game to go: Broncos vs. Chiefs.

And I can't fucking watch it.

Tragic. 😂🏈

RAGNAR — PART FIVE: WHAT WE BROUGHT HOME

I thought we were signing up for a trail race. I don't think that's what happened. After Ragnar, eight destroyed humans came back to our house — wet gear everywhere, mud everywhere, bodies wrecked, food everywhere — and underneath it all, this enormous feeling: we fucking did that together.

There were individual victories tucked inside the bigger one. One teammate confronted an old story about not being athletic — a kid who'd grown up on the sidelines with asthma, told he was bad at sports, now standing at the finish line having proven that story wrong. Another discovered something quieter but just as important: belonging. He told me afterward that saying yes to everything had become its own kind of armor for him, a way to avoid the vulnerability of actually showing up for something — saying no had been his power move for years. But when the call came only days before the race and his calendar happened to be empty, saying yes was the power move instead. He showed up, matched paces he had no business matching with zero training, and found himself part of something he hadn't expected to need.

Jade trained hard for this all summer, injured his knee four days before the race, and had to watch instead of run — probably one of the harder experiences of the whole weekend for him. It wasn't just missing the race. It was watching his brother step in and run in his place, watching Amethyst and the rest of us head out onto trails he'd been dreaming about for months. He showed up anyway, cheered us on, came for dinner Saturday night, and was there in spirit through every loop. But the sting was real, and it deserved to be named.

Riley sent a mountain in the wrong shoes. Amethyst was amazing. Eli decided hailstorms were shirtless occasions. And Aubrey finished the whole thing carrying something the rest of us didn't have to carry quite the same way — she doesn't get the runner's high everyone else gets afterward. She did the hard thing, felt the same fear and effort as anyone, and never got the chemical reward on the other side. She's still turning that over, wondering what she's protecting in her own body. But she crossed the finish line anyway, gathered us all together, and instituted an immediate twenty-four-hour moratorium: nobody is allowed to talk about doing this again next year. The following morning we're all standing around the kitchen, and Aubrey starts a sentence — "well, I'm thinking for next year—" — and stops cold, realizing what she's just done. Eight people stare at her. Busted.

And then there's Jennie. This entire thing existed because she imagined it. She assembled the team, organized the whole operation, and insisted we send every runner out and welcome every runner home. She created something, and I've been thinking a lot about what that something actually was.

I've spent a good chunk of my life thinking about tribe, belonging, love, and what happens when someone you trust leaves you or hurts you. Some of those experiences quietly taught me to build armor. Ragnar reminded me I don't need it. Someone can leave. Someone can hurt me. I'll hurt — that's okay, I know how to hurt — and then I'll keep walking, because look around: this is my tribe.

And strangely, the mountain taught me the other half of that same truth at exactly the same time. My tribe can't walk my trail for me. They can scream for me when I leave and scream for me when I return, but between those two points, that's mine. Deeply together and completely sovereign — both, at once.

Maybe that's part of why Monday morning surprised me. I was sad. Not depressed — sad. It was over. For weeks there'd always been someone heading into the mountain or coming home from it, and then suddenly everyone left and the house went quiet. Saturday night, before any of that quiet set in, we'd all gathered for one last meal together — a big pot of something with some Louisiana touches, wine, games, torrential rain outside, hurting units laughing at the whole absurd beauty of it. Sunday morning we did roses and thorns around the table before everyone trickled back to their own homes, and later that evening an old friend called out of nowhere just to say congratulations and pulled us over for dinner and far too much good wine. By the time Monday actually arrived and the house was truly empty, I sat with the sadness honestly instead of rushing past it — and somewhere in sitting with it, it turned back into gratitude. Because something happened up there that can't unhappen now.

Ragnar became part of our tribe's mythology. Years from now somebody will say "remember Riley's shoes," or "remember the headlamps," or "remember Jennie coming back from Red covered in mud," and we'll all be there again, instantly.

I also brought home one more unexpected thing. I think I'm a trail runner. I'm slow. My body has a lot of adapting left to do, and I have an enormous amount to learn. Perfect — because I'm not interested in discovering only the things I'm already good at. I want to discover the things that make me feel alive. Put me on dirt, put me on a mountain, hand me weather and elevation and a problem to solve. Apparently something in me already knows that place.

So Ragnar is over. But this story isn't. Jennie runs her marathon at the end of September, and some of us are going with her. I'm deciding between the 10K and the half marathon — which means, hilariously, after spending this entire week telling you that pavement isn't where my soul belongs, I'm now in training. For pavement.

RAGNAR — PART FOUR: FIREFLIES

There's an image from Ragnar I don't think I'll ever lose. Night fell over Soldier Hollow, and from camp you could see huge sections of all three trails climbing across the mountain in the dark. Then the little lights began appearing — one, ten, fifty, hundreds of headlamps, runners spread across the mountainside like fireflies. Every tiny light was a human being out there doing their own hard thing. It was magical.

Then the mountain got angry. Rain, mud, wind, hail. Eli — because apparently shirts are optional when you're a lunatic — ended up storming the mountain shirtless in a hailstorm. Jennie drew Red during the worst of the deluge. Remember that freshly cut trail from the test run weeks earlier? In the rain it turned to mud, and she slipped and fell, reinjuring the same knee she'd already had surgery on once. She kept moving anyway, and eventually came back to camp caked in mud after one of the hardest runs of her whole weekend.

Meanwhile, because we'd doubled our runners, my final loop arrived after only about four hours of recovery: Green, four miles, in the middle of the night. This is where the strange magic of commitment and Ragnar kicked in. Twenty-four hours earlier I wasn't sure I could finish one loop. Now I'd already finished Red and Yellow, and there wasn't much drama left in Green. My body hurt — fine. I was exhausted — fine. I'd also developed some gastrointestinal issues along the way that had made me intimately acquainted with basically every porta-potty at Soldier Hollow — fine. Move. So I moved, and sometime in the darkness, I finished my third loop. All three, done.

Then came Riley, waiting at transition for his final loop, Yellow. As I came in, he was getting ready to go, and suddenly he looked down and realized he'd forgotten to change out of the shoes he'd been walking around camp in all day. His running shoes were back at the tent. Two options: run back and get them, or go. He looked at the mountain and said, fuck it, send it — then ran the entire Yellow loop in his walking shoes. And during his run watched both a 70 year old granny and an 18 year girl dressed as a faerie (with sparkles and wings) run happily past him. He came back with a sore ankle and hip, which seems like the appropriate tax for that decision, and a giant smile on his face. There's a Rush lyric I love: we're only immortal for a limited time. Riley is still very much in that limited time.

Aubrey became our final runner. Twenty-five hours ish after Eli had started us off, she came home, and we'd finished every required loop. Shortly afterward, the storm turned severe enough that Ragnar finally shut the event down because of lightning on the ridges. We had raced the mountain, we had raced the storm, and somehow, we got everybody home.

RAGNAR — PART THREE: GOD ON THE YELLOW TRAIL


I almost don't know how to explain Yellow. I started my second loop late Friday afternoon, stiff and limping, having discovered a new complaint in the same knee I'd torn an MCL in two years earlier. I'd already spent two hours climbing and descending Red that morning. And yet, somewhere on that yellow mountain, I became ridiculously happy — not "proud of myself" happy, not "I'm accomplishing my goal" happy. Something else entirely.

The sun was getting low, the valley stretched out beneath me, my body hurt, my tribe was somewhere down there waiting, and I was alone on the trail — running, hiking, laughing, just fucking delighted to be alive. There are experiences where the line between spirituality and ordinary life seems to disappear. This was one of them. No temple, no meditation cushion, no psychedelic, no teacher. Just dirt, sky, mountain, breath, pain, and this absurd human body carrying me across all of it. If you want my metaphysics: God was having one hell of an experience being Jason Smith that afternoon.

When I came down the final hill, my team could see it all over me — limping and laughing at the same time, like someone had handed a hurting man a bottle of happy drugs. Yellow became my favorite loop of the entire race, and it changed something in me. Before the race: just finish Red. After Red: maybe I can do Yellow. After Yellow: there wasn't a question left. I'm finishing this thing. If someone had told me to go run Green immediately, I think I would have tried.

Fortunately, I had about eight hours before my final loop — time to sleep, eat, recover. Then the weather report came in. A major storm was moving toward Soldier Hollow: rain, wind, hail, lightning, bad enough that Ragnar warned they might have to shut the whole race down on Saturday. So they gave every team an option — double your runners, put two teammates on the trail at once, and race the storm to the finish. We looked at each other. There wasn't much discussion. Fuck it. We're doubling.

Which meant my eight hours of recovery evaporated. My final run would now start in about four — in the middle of the night. And while we were still figuring out the logistics, the first rain started falling.

With Elijah Henager, Aubree Snyder, Amethyst, Jennie, Riley Smith, Caleb Lake, Porter.

Storytelling - Sicario, Dune, and Lord of the Rings

THE STORYTELLER’S THUMB ON THE SCALE

I watched Sicario last night.

Good movie. Maybe.

But I didn't love it.

And trying to figure out why sent me down a rabbit hole about storytelling, Dune, Sergio Leone, Frank Herbert, Tolkien—and eventually something much bigger than movies.

Here's what I think:

I don't want a story to prove the storyteller right.

I want the storyteller to find out what's true by telling the story.

A great story starts with people.

They want things. They love things. They're afraid of things. They make choices. Those choices have consequences. Those consequences narrow the choices that come next. Things may happen to them. Things they have to deal with. And things start happening.

And eventually you arrive at the ending and think:

Of course.

It couldn't have ended any other way.

Not literally. The writer could have typed anything they wanted.

But given these people, and these choices, and everything that has happened—

this is where we had to end up.

Sergio Leone was a fucking master at this.

At the end of For a Few Dollars More, the watch comes out one last time and suddenly things you've been watching for two hours CLICK into place.

Not because Leone stops the movie to tell you what revenge means.

He tells the story.

And the story tells you.

That's different from beginning with a conclusion.

Power corrupts.

Religion is dangerous.

Charismatic leaders are dangerous.

The CIA is evil.

Capitalism is evil.

Socialism is evil.

Trump is evil.

Trump is wonderful.

Whatever.

Once the storyteller already knows the answer, something dangerous or just plain bad for the story starts to happen.

The characters stop being people and start becoming evidence, devices to grind an axe with.

Of course the powerful man becomes corrupt. He has to. Otherwise my thesis doesn't work.

Of course the religious movement becomes murderous. It has to.

Of course my political enemy does something terrible and my political ally does something noble.

I've already decided what's true.

Now I'm just arranging fictional furniture to prove it.

And eventually, if you're paying attention, you can feel it.

You can feel the storyteller's thumb on the scale.

That's what finally helped me understand my complicated relationship with Dune.

Frank Herbert wasn't merely telling the story of Paul Atreides and discovering, Holy shit, look what happened to this guy.

Herbert had something he wanted to say about charismatic leaders, messiahs, power, religion and our willingness to surrender our judgment to heroes.

And he deliberately made Paul incredibly compelling.

His father is murdered.

His family is destroyed.

He flees into the desert.

He joins the Fremen.

He falls in love.

He learns their ways.

He rides the fucking worm.

He becomes their leader.

He defeats his enemies.

The Emperor kneels.

And I'm sitting there going:

FUCK YEAH, PAUL!

Then Herbert's larger story essentially says:

Interesting that you trusted him.

And I went:

Oh.

Well, fuck you too, Frank. 😂

And here's the thing:

Herbert's warning isn't stupid.

Charismatic leadership can be incredibly dangerous.

Religion can become monstrous.

Power can corrupt.

Governments can become tyrannical.

All true.

But none of those things is inevitable.

Charismatic leaders can also do extraordinary good.

Religion has produced horrors and extraordinary acts of love, service, beauty and sacrifice.

Power can corrupt—and power can be used responsibly.

Reality is complicated.

Which means the more interesting question isn't:

How do I construct a story proving what I already believe?

It's:

What actually happens if I follow these people honestly? And what do I ‘discover’ along the way? (Isn’t that more LIFE like? More scientific: We follow the story and we don’t impose our belief on it!)

Maybe Paul becomes a tyrant.

Fine.

Show me.

Let him make one understandable decision.

Then another.

Let victory create a problem he didn't anticipate.

Let solving that problem require a compromise.

Let that compromise create another problem.

Let his followers begin doing things in his name that horrify him.

Let him compromise again.

Keep going.

And maybe someday we look up and the young hero we loved has become responsible for the deaths of billions.

And we think:

Holy fuck.

Of course.

That's tragedy.

And now you've actually shown me something about power.

Maybe something neither of us knew when we started.

This might also explain why The Lord of the Rings works so beautifully for me.

Tolkien certainly believed things.

But when Frodo finally reaches Mount Doom...

Frodo fails.

He doesn't nobly throw the Ring into the fire.

He claims it.

Because after everything Tolkien has shown us about the Ring, Frodo simply tossing it away might actually have been the dishonest ending.

And then Gollum matters.

And Bilbo's mercy matters.

And Frodo's mercy matters.

And something planted much earlier suddenly becomes necessary to the ending.

CLICK.

Tolkien doesn't have to write:

MERCY IS IMPORTANT.

The story DISCOVERED it.

And that's the distinction I've been trying to articulate.

I'm not interested in stories that don't mean anything.

Quite the opposite.

I want stories to mean something so deeply that the author didn't have to force them to mean it.

Have a hypothesis.

Have beliefs.

Have something you're curious about.

But then create real characters and let them fucking live.

Let them contradict you.

Let the good guy occasionally be wrong.

Let the bad guy occasionally be right.

Let power save somebody.

Let love destroy somebody.

Let the religious man be a hypocrite—or a saint.

Let reality inside your story resist you.

And then follow it all the way to the end.

Maybe that's what the greatest storytellers do.

They don't use a story to tell us what they already know.

They tell the story to discover something they didn't.

And when they really nail it, we discover it with them.

And now I should return to Sicario… since this started the whole thing. While I think what I said above sums where I discovered things well enough, Sicario felt a little like the creators had something to say, and used the characters in the story to say it, instead of just following the line for one character. It could have been a simple revenge story. It could have been the story of a good cop asked to compromise her principles. But it never fully got behind the characters, and instead was a vehicle to say what the creators wanted to say… and that felt hollow to me.

RAGNAR — PART TWO: YOU AND THE MOUNTAIN

Hey I I learned about myself: I am not currently a fast runner. So I slowed down. Jogged when I could, hiked when I needed to, stopped more than once just to point my feet downhill, stretch my calves, and take in the view while my body recovered. My first mile took seventeen minutes. The second — the killer, with nearly a thousand feet of climb — took forty.

But along they way…. something happened I hadn't anticipated. Within minutes of starting, people began passing me. Lots of them. Happy people, sweating just as hard as I was, calling out "You've got this! Keep going! You're doing great!" — possibly all lies, since I was not doing great, but encouraging lies from happy strangers all the same. What a tribe. Everyone was suffering, everyone had another mountain ahead of them, and everybody was cheering for everybody else anyway. I started cheering back.

Something occurred to me up there on that long, painful climb. I love the rave community, and one of its beautiful ideas is PLUR — Peace, Love, Unity, Respect. But on that mountain I met another version of the same thing, this one with dirt under its fingernails. Nobody could posture very effectively up there. The mountain doesn't care who you think you are, what your hair looks like, or how your outfit reads in a selfie. The Ragna community has PLURFG. Peace. Love. Unity. Respect. And Fucking Grit. No entitlement allowed. No victims allowed.

Eventually I reached the section that had beaten me a month earlier. And I kept climbing past it, until I was above the exact place where I'd once quit. That alone gave me a boost. The view opened beneath me — Soldier Hollow, Heber Valley, mountains in every direction… and then the pillar of rocks at the very top. I had arrived… and it was all (almost) downhill from there. And the last question in my mind was answered. 3 weeks before I had bushwacked down this mountain… but Ragnar had delivered. A freshly cut, very easy to find, trail down for 3 miles was waiting for me. Yes! And down I went, making some friends along the way (thank you lady from Sacramento for whom this was her 5th Trail Ragnar) — and five miles after leaving my tribe, I came down the final hill and heard them waiting, screaming, cheering. I crossed the line. Red was done. It took me about two hours. Fast? Absolutely not. But I had done it.

And somewhere in those two hours, Ragnar showed me something I haven't stopped turning over since. Before every loop, our whole team went to the transition tent together. We sent every runner out, and every time someone came back, we were there to welcome them home. But there's a moment right after your people send you off, when you round the corner and they disappear, and now it's just you. Nobody can climb for you. Nobody can breathe for you or move your legs or make you keep going. Your tribe sends you out, your tribe welcomes you home — but in between, it's you and the mountain.

I love that. Maybe because that's life. We need each other, deeply — I don't buy the mythology of the fully self-sufficient human — but ultimately nobody can walk our particular trail for us.

I finished Red hurting. My glute was strained, my calves were wrecked. I got some bodywork done, stumbled back to camp, and collapsed onto a cot. I had another loop coming in about eight hours: Yellow. I closed my eyes and genuinely wondered — was Red all I had? A few hours later I stood up. Everything hurt. And I started getting ready again.

View from near the top of Red Loop!

RAGNAR — PART ONE: I DIDN'T KNOW IF I COULD FINISH

Six months ago, give or take, my wife Jennie sent an invite out to our tribal chat group. She wanted to form a team of eight to run the Ragnar Trail Race at Soldier Hollow in Midway, Utah. Strangely, I was one of the first to respond. Yes. I'll do it. I don't even remember typing it.
That's unusual in our marriage, by the way. I'm normally the guy who says "Hey, I have an idea, let's get everyone together and do this insane thing," and Jennie is the extraordinarily competent human who turns my ridiculous ideas into reality. This one was hers, start to finish. She asked the tribe who wanted in, and the first person to say yes was, apparently, me. She still can't quite believe it.
Eventually we had eight runners: Eli, Jennie, me, Aubrey, Riley, Amethyst, Jade, Porter. Then, four days before the race, Jade tweaked his knee hard on a downhill training run. Out. His brother Caleb got the call — "Can you run Ragnar in four days?" — looked at his calendar, and said yes. And we had eight again.
There was one slight problem. I couldn't really run. Ten years ago I could do the one-mile hill loop by my house in about eight minutes. Now it's sixteen. My lungs complain, my hips hurt, and uphill running absolutely murders me. I'd "trained" through most of the summer in the loosest sense of the word — life kept interrupting — and I didn't get serious until about four weeks out.
And somewhere in that final stretch, something else showed up that neither of us expected. About a week before the race, Jennie and I both went quietly, unexplainably low. Not anxious about the race itself — there was no logical thread connecting the dread to anything specific. Just a flatness, a heaviness, the kind of low you can't argue your way out of because it isn't attached to a reason. We'd later name it what it was: some kind of pre-race depression, chemical and strange, that lifted the moment the race actually began. But in the week leading in, it was real, and it was confusing, and we just had to sit in it.
Which is how I found myself, four weeks before Ragnar, halfway up the infamous Red Loop on a test run, climbing nearly a thousand feet in about two miles, thinking: there is no way. So I turned around. Not dramatically. My body simply said you cannot do this, and it was right — at least that day.
Instead of treating that failure as proof I shouldn't do Ragnar, I treated it as information. I'd been training with a man named Jesse Elder around this exact idea — that failure isn't a verdict, it's data — and for the first time, I actually rewrote the program running in my head. I started training differently. More hills, more dirt, more time outside instead of my treadmill.
A couple of weeks later, six of us went back. This time we finished Red. It took Jennie and me four hours to cover about seven miles, partly because the final stretch of trail hadn't actually been built yet — we were bushwhacking through scrub oak, following GPS coordinates for a trail that didn't exist. But I finished. Then Ragnar's new ownership finally cut the real trail and shortened Red to about five miles, and suddenly I knew something I hadn't known before: I can do Red.
That became my entire strategy. Not "I'm going to crush this." Not "I'm finishing all three loops." Just — I know I can do Red. If that's all I've got, fine. We'd find out the rest afterward.
Thursday afternoon we built camp beneath a huge pine tree in an aspen grove. Friday morning our team ate breakfast together. At seven, Eli took off and absolutely smoked Green — for about seventeen glorious seconds, Team Trail Wubs may have been in first place. Then Jennie went out on Yellow. She'd broken in brand-new, wildly expensive racing shoes just days earlier — after a nineteen-mile training run the previous Sunday, five days before the race, in the same shoes. Not the wisest sequencing, and her calves let her know it; her Yellow loop turned into a real fight with pain she hadn't planned for.
Then they called me. I stepped into the transition tent wearing a ridiculous tie-dye shirt I'd made myself, my whole team screaming behind the fence. I bolted around the first corner and almost immediately my hips seized up and I couldn't breathe. Five miles of mountain ahead of me — including the exact climb that had already beaten me once.
Well. Here we fucking go.