Expanding Desire
07-25-2018
Continuing my practice (sharing with Melanie Lake & Jennie Stanchfied) my daily practice of feeling into what is the next step to bringing Jennie home from ARUP.
This is what The Voice revealed:
Desire
I had just gotten done with 3 days of facilitating, teaching, training and transforming at the July 20-22nd Shades of Intimacy workshop.
The space is filled with polarity and sexual energy of all types, but I must while within that space, remain neutral, balanced, holding space.
Monday was dedicated to rest.
Tuesday was dedicated to revelation and cleaning house, RESETTING. Tuesday was the day of pain and the path the Voice led me to, practicing daily the next step to bringing my Queen home with it's attendant properties concerning money and safety and care.
This morning I woke with desire. Desire for Jennie, desire sexually, for the visceral smell and taste and feel of her.
I woke and got her coffee, then set it on her side of the bed, and climbed in next to her.
I began to tickle her back, but not to delight her. I did it so I could have her, so I could wake her in a way that would kindle her desire to fuck me.
As I was touching her, I became aware that this was all about me. I was in a first stage moment, crunched down to a ejaculative point of desire.
My tickling working. She woke with a smile, and said "I have to go to work, so all you get is one stroke."
I felt past my desire, trying to shift it to feeling her, and what she wanted.
I couldn't do it.
I lay her back, entered her. She smiled, and yet I was aware again this was all about me.
I shook my head. Wait a minute. I have some tools here, so let's fucking use them, shall we?
I attended to my breath, deepened it. Then I looked through her eyes, deep into the universe. There was depth out there, beyond me ejaculation and pin point desire.
I then disengaged, slowly, gracefully. She smiled, her body relaxed, open. It had all taken place in about 1 minute.
Then off she went to get ready for work...
And the desire for her came back...
EXPANDING DESIRE
After she went to work, I started to think more and more about this desire. So I meditated on it, and it revealed itself as the next step in bringing her home.
I felt my desire, my specific focused desire, and felt past it in the meditation, I expanded it.
This was new, and I was a bit surprised. I didn't dilute it or close it off... I went through the focused desire to a much bigger desire.
The desire of the UNIVERSE.
The DESIRE of the big HE... and the YEARNING of the big SHE
THE WALK - THE PRACTICE OF DESIRE
And so I took a walk in the heat and the practice came to me from the VOICE.
As I walked I felt into two desires. First was Money. Then it was Gifting. The desire for money, and the desire to gift people like we did at Shades of Intimacy.
The first thing that happened was I hit up against my LIMIT.
This surprised me.
But I felt my desire, and it was CONTAINED. There was a limit on it. I felt it, maybe 1 or 2 feet out and around my body. This was interesting to me.
What the fuck, right?
So I started to expand it, or try to, and at first it was a hard limit.
Then I figured it out through trial and error.
Energetic Unravelling
So Melanie, this is where I would request you do something as part of this process, that might help you, or in the least be a second witness for me that I'm on the right fucking track her.
- Do an Energetic Unraveling in whatever way you want to. For me it was walking, but I can see it working in a studio, with music, on a matt, eyes closed.
- As you breathe each time... breathe from the HEART. Stay entirely focused on the heart.
- On the IN breath, feel the masculine, gravity, and magnify your desire IN YOUR HEART. This feels like awareness. Awareness might seem to be an outward thing, right? Feeling OUT? But in this case I discovered something remarkable. Feel IN. Feel INTO the heart with awareness and as I did my DESIRE EXPLODED OUTWARD with no discernable limit. The barrier was gone by going within first. It's as if my heart contains the ENTIRE UNIVERSE. That is the feel of it. Breathe INTO THE HEART and expand the desire you are working with, money, gifting, helping Jennie, whatever, into infinity.
- On the OUT breath, feel the feminine, the spin, the movement, and magnify your yearning outward to fill the entire space of the universe.
- Keep going back and forth... breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out, expanding your fucking desire.
I found something crazy happen. It got very emotional. There was this expansion of my desire PAST the little point of money or even gifting, outward into something HUGE.
And I started to see and feel something transformative. That DESIRE runs the universe. We humans contain it, want this, don't want that, with our focus from the masculine and our pain/pleasure sensation of the feminine.
But DESIRE EXPANDS past our little fucking human wants, it fills all space, time and consciousness.
This means we are all here purposefully. Someone, something, perhaps just us, intends for us to be here and in fact, intends EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS HERE.
Holy shit.
EVERYTHING.
The beautiful sunset... and the little kid who gets kidnapped and raped by a murder. The joy of dancing with your tribe, to the burn victim whose fingers were once long and beautiful but are now mere nubs, and she says the following words: "And to think, I used to cry when I broke a nail."
Like we can't deny ANY of it.
DESIRE FILLS THE SPACE. IT IS THE SPACE. The way through is to tap into it, even the little nub of a penis wanting to ejaculate into a vagina, and through it expand into something infinitely bigger.
BACK IN THE CORNER
And suddenly I'm back in the corner again with the kid bullying me.
And as I am walking, breathing, expanding my desire, I feel into that moment and I begin to move my right hip and leg in a freeing motion, kicking this mother fucker in the balls.
Only he's not even a 'mother fucker'. He doesn't matter at all in fact. It's just the MOVEMENT that matters.
Move the hip. Move the leg.
Breath into the heart of infinite consciousness, expand out into the entire feminine universe...
And move my leg.
And Melanie, the next step came. Then swing with your left hand and punch, move your left hand.
I walked, breathing, kicking with my right leg, moving my left arm and hand in a punch...
Then a third step... a shove with both hands forward...
Kick with the right... punch with the left, shove with both...
A fourth step: MOVE PAST HIM. RUN PAST HIM. MOVE PAST HIM. BURST THROUGH THE CROWD.
Kick with the right, punch with the left, shove with both, and move past him.
And all that was left after that was to hold my hands up into the air in victory, freedom, every part of my body breaking free...
SHAKE IT OFF
But wait! There was one more step, and Melanie this is the step I'm most interested in your performing.
SHAKE.
Shake it off.
Literally let your body hyperventelate and shake, shake, shake. Let it trembled, let all the energy shake completely out of your system.
I haven't done this part yet, though I feel it's the next step.