RELAX.
Yesterday I let loose with a fiery declaration about DO THE WORK.
Today I'd like to talk about an aspect of doing the work that might sound a little counter to what I just fired off yesterday.
Relaxation.
This is something I've discovered through long years of practice. Whatever you're training to do, whether you're learning to play the guitar, practicing yoga, training to become an athlete, learning to meditate, or developing new skills in your relationship, the first and most natural thing we tend to do is what I call efforting.
And efforting isn't bad. I'm guilty of it myself.
In fact, I've found that it's perfectly okay to go through a phase of trying too hard. It's messy. It's sloppy. Sometimes it's frustrating.
And that's okay. You're trying. You're building muscles.
Muscles of awareness. Muscles of breath. Finger strength if you're learning guitar. Mental muscles if you're learning a new skill. You're expanding your capacity to do something you couldn't do before.
And in my experience, that initial tightness is almost necessary.
Here's an example. I've watched people practice holding their breath. They'll take this enormous breath, filling their lungs, and then tighten everything up. Their faces grimace, their bodies tense, and they're bearing down, trying desperately to hold that breath as long as possible.
And they're building capacity. They're doing the work.
But here's the trick to holding your breath longer.
Relax.
Take that full breath, fill your lungs, hold it, and then relax. Soften the muscles. Release the unnecessary tension.
Any skilled athlete, musician, or practitioner will eventually discover something similar.
The next stage after effort is relaxation WHILE you're efforting.
It's a refinement that comes through practice.
You expand your capacity to hold your breath, to play guitar scales, to be present in chaos, to follow a sales script, or to sit in meditation. You show up every day, put in the effort, and develop the skill.
And then something interesting happens.
You begin to discover that some of the very tension you used to develop that skill is now inhibiting your ability to perform it.
I'd actually love to interview some of those Olympic weightlifters, the people lifting enormous amounts of weight, and ask them about this. Surely there are moments when pure effort is required. But I wonder if even within that enormous effort, there's a refined quality of relaxation.
Athletes discover that relaxing unnecessary tension allows them to move faster, more efficiently, and with greater precision.
And I'm not talking about slumping over and going limp. I'm talking about taking just a little off the top. Softening your facial muscles. Relaxing your fingers. Releasing some tension in your breath.
Maybe just 2%.
And suddenly, everything changes.
I see this all the time in the work we do with couples and intimacy.
Particularly for men, efforting can be a wonderful place to start. A man is trying. He's focusing. He's putting energy into connecting with his woman, and that effort can be beautiful.
But sometimes that effort becomes too much. Too intense. Too tight. Too much energy directed at trying to make something happen.
What she may really want is to rest into his presence. To feel his attention without the tension.
Intense focus in a relaxed way.
That's the sweet spot.
It's the combination of two masculine skills we talk about all the time: Focus and Presence.
So let's bring this back to yesterday's message.
DO THE WORK.
Maybe you've been given a practice to improve your relationship. Maybe it's five minutes of eye contact with your wife every morning. Maybe it's sitting together and sharing your feelings. Maybe it's getting up every day and taking a cold plunge.
Whatever the practice is, the first challenge is simply doing it.
And let's face it, most people won't even get that far. They'll complain. They'll whine. They'll find excuses. They'll decide the person who gave them the practice is an asshole, or the practice is stupid, or they don't have time.
Anything to avoid doing the work.
But suppose you actually do it.
You get up every morning and do the damn practice.
At first, it might be clumsy. It might be irritating. You might find yourself thinking, "Fine, goddammit, let's just do the fucking practice and get it over with!"
Good!
You're doing it. You're building capacity.
And as you continue to practice, day after day, you begin to develop some skill. Some awareness. Some ability to be present with what you're doing.
And eventually, you might discover something wonderful.
You can take 2% off the top.
Lean back a little. Soften. Relax into consciousness and awareness.
You're still doing the work. You're still focused. You're still engaged.
But you're no longer fighting so hard to make it happen.
And here's the important part: That relaxation is available because you've done the work.
You can't just pick up a tennis racket, relax, and expect to beat one of the best tennis players in the world. Your relaxation won't make up for a lack of skill any more than trying really hard will.
What matters is the practice.
The refinement comes through repetition.
So if you're just beginning something, don't worry too much about efforting. I'd much rather see you trying too hard than sitting around making excuses.
Effort. Effort. Effort.
Go for it!
Show up every day. Do the work. Build the capacity.
And someday, somewhere along the way, maybe a coach, a mentor, or your own intuition will whisper:
"Hey. Take 2% off the top."
Lean back a little.
Soften.
Relax.
And give that a try.